Reverse parking

Her ass was like her own personal planet orbiting her person. I said a small prayer in gratitude for being a man born with working parts and moved in..



When going out solo, it’s good to have a plan of where to go.  A lot of guys just go to a general area and stumble around hoping to trip into some poosy. Depending where you live, this can work but it’s always nice to have a plan so at least you can inform others where they need to go to get it a slice of the delight.

If you don’t have any idea to go then go to the clubbing district and just pick a decent place to go into. Make it a habit to talk to the bouncer so you can get intel from them. If you want to drop them a healthy tip for information, that is fine also. You can also buy a drink and tip the bartender heartily thus earning a pair of eyes on the ground. I am now in the habit of talking to bouncers as they are the gatekeepers of punani and will know where the latest and greatest spots are at. Speak to a range of them and get a dialogue going. Their job involves just standing around and looking so many of them will welcome a decent convo. They can give you the scoop on what’s popping, real time.

Get yourself right mentally.  It’s important to have awareness of what affects your moods when doing what you have to do. If you have to meditate, do a small workout to get the blood flowing or watch a bit of porno (but don’t nutt or you will end up falling asleep and missing out on reality). You can even call a friend to hype you up whether they are aware of it or not. What you don’t want to do is to talk to Negative Neil or Bob Bummer.

I was initially hyped up and then the buzz diminished a little. Tonight was the night. I had exchanged some messages with a <insert family member> about strategies. The idea was to go out to a location for a pre-buzz and then move on to a major spot. I had some information in the pipeline about a West Indian event that was going on but I wasn’t in the mood to work a mercurial West Indian gathering. With West Indian lizards in my experience, one never really knew what to expect and it was time for me to be strategic, combining events that gave me joy but also gave me yield.

At this point of the game, I am tired of collecting numbers. Maybe it’s the tone of my voice but I tend to encourage a lot of lizards to unload their life stories and end up telling me their woes. I have no interest in being their agony uncles. I just want to fcuk.

Fair exchange is no robbery. If you want me to listen to your trials and tribulations, then you got to give me a slice of warm, wet punani. If not, then you are wasting my time..simple!

Mentally I decided to start off with the Iguana. I would leave my home around 9pm or so. I needed to take a nap so that I didn’t burn out prematurely. Strategy.

I went to sleep and set my alarm.

When I awoke, my mind was split between staying indoors and going out. Strategically, however, when I weighed up the option of hunting as opposed to staying indoors and hitting up some mediocre bored lizards online for a possible yield, it didn’t make sense mathematically.

It’s important to have awareness of what affects one’s moods when doing what you have to do. If you have to meditate, do a small workout to get the blood flowing or watch a bit of porno (but don’t nutt or you will end up falling asleep and missing out on reality). You can even call a friend to hype you up whether they are aware of it or not. What you don’t want to do is

I got up, selected my hunting outfit, wore what I needed to wear and I hit the road.

When I got to the Iguana, I found out that it was Latin night. Although I love Latin culture, especially the lizards and my Spanish has really been improving due stalwart diligence on my part, I wasn’t in the mood to be dancing around in bachata. The big thing is, I was going solo and I had to be more strategic than if I was rolling with a motley. With a crew, one can go anywhere and just feed off of the group energy if it’s lame. But this night, all I had was me, myself and I.

So I spun around in the parking lot, drove by the astonished parking attendant (a Hispanic looking gentleman) who looked at me quizzically.
“I thought it was some other night,” I said amicably, smiling brightly and showing teeth. The gent’s grimace melted and he chuckled.
“Otra vez,” I said which was probably wrong but my brain wasn’t in bilingual mode and I zipped off in my car.

After procuring a place to successfully park, I made my way to the club that I had planned for. The line had me slightly tense; I tend to stand out and get defensive in body language and facial expression in such circumstances. However, tonight I had my mental devices in order.
I lined up and was scanned by the body scanner that the bouncer held (in case I bore weapons on my person). I entered the establishment.

Paying 10 dollars I went into the club. The first floor had a live band playing and a lizard on the mic making some sort of announcement. I didn’t feel that the clientele here was best suited for my interests in hand so after lingering for about five mins, I went up the stairs.
Music on the 2nd floor was more to my liking. Lizards that I saw around were pleasing to my eye. Onions distributed all over the place and the music was very palatable to my ear. If I don’t hear good music, I tend to lose focus and my creative energy starts to wane. I see this as akin to food…a good wholesome meal can put a person in an entirely different space, emotionally and physically. I like to say that music is the same.

To my left, I saw a light skinned  lizard with a lovely onion chatting it up with her friend. At this point in the game, I can tell when I’ve been made and I’m still jostling with timing. They say it’s good to operate with 3 seconds of seeing a lizard you like but I feel that it signals thirst. Also, I primarily deal with black lizards in black establishments and brothers are no slackers when it comes to putting in that work. I think certain tweaks to game rules are applicable when it comes to black lizards. So I decided to wait. Eye contact would be great and if not, I would hit up some cold prospects. But something has to happen.

My eyes continued to scan the floor and my brain was running numerous calculations. In front of me, I noticed two lizards with huge round buttocks dancing.

Lizard with fully formed onion

One of them was getting quite excited and a certain song had her dropping it right to the floor. My wood throbbed happily and I edged closer, peripherally scanning my competition. Most guys in here were with someone but a couple of Hispanic looking cats hung in a group, clearly smoked up and in that feel good state of mind.
I saw a lizard that owned an arse that compared to a small planet devoted to her personal gravity. A song came on that she liked and she rotated that arse and went down low to the ground to twerk. My madera (wood) gave me the thumbs up signal.




My brain wasn’t really seeing an opportune moment to pounce so I was waiting but I knew logically, that there was no right time. I have to remember that due to my size, I do intimidate lizards so only the more brazen ones will be more open with their signals. I also tend not to smile in public especially when alone so this makes me seem hostile. However, I made my move and said to the lizard with the planetary booty:

“You look like you are really getting involved with the music tonight!”

She smiled and said “Yes.”

I said “It was really flexible of you to go down that low!”

It doesn’t matter what one says, a corny statement said is better than a cool phrase never heard. The point is, to let her know you are alive and have some form of interest in her.

I wasn’t really getting that much of a signal from her and I have never been a fan (or perhaps it is not an area of strength for me to work on lizards that seem bored). I looked towards her friend who seemed more timid but owned an even more majestic backside. Looming over the friend after a bit, I said:

“I hope you are enjoying yourself?”

She replied “Yes”.

I moved in to hold the friend after a bit and enjoy the ride on that booty. Afterwards, I pushed for her number when we got outside. She asked me a series of questions; I guessed it looked a bit odd that a man would be out on his own on a club night.

I told the usual fibs.

  1. It was my first time there. Truth:  It was probably my 5th time there, I enjoyed the music  and I had pulled a tasty lizard from there the last time I was there
  2. I was new from London. Truth: I’ll always be new..bwahahahaha! This explanation offers a rational is relative but it offers a rational explanation why a man is out alone.
  3. I don’t talk to women from the club, this was a first time for me. Truth: Really?

Long story short, I got her number and we made arrangements to meet.

Areas of improvement:


I need to work on my SNL game. I tend to let things coast naturally but I have to create a new nature where what I want occurs naturally. I notice that at the witching hour of night (2am-3am) my energy is done. I am alert but I have no enthusiasm to stay out all night and loiter with a lizard and her friends while they go somewhere to eat and yap about life etc. My listening skills are getting better; I am no longer focusing as much energy listening to gibberish and can listen better for the key tones but it’s still work in progress. I have to either push for a lizard to leave at the best time which requires careful scanning for those who really came out to leave with someone or dance less.

I remember a time I messed up on an SNL close. I blame it to timidity and waning energy levels. I met a lizard from the St Catherine parish in Jamaica at a bar while I was out. She was out with her female friends celebrating one of their birthdays. All of them but her were Dominicans (from the Dominican Republic). They were celebrating the birthday of one of them. I approached them solo and began talking. They were very receptive and out to have fun. Although the Dominicans had a slightly better face, the Jamaican took an easy Gold when it came to body. Her booty was straight shelf and one’s drink would not spill a drop rested there. The night progressed and the girls giggled and admired my accent, one claiming she had a cousin from my hometown (UK). They coaxed me to test the buoyancy and resiliency of the Jamaican’s rump. I grabbed a gentle handful and was delighted.

Long story short, the night ended and I should have gone with them wherever they were going. Instead, fatigue had kicked in and I just wanted to get a number and bounce (so I did). Based on the behaviour, I should have gone for the immediate close and sealed the deal for future endeavours. I got the number, called and texted but the Jamaican never picked up the following day. Perhaps she had a man or an existing family. Who knows?

She nuh wan pick up the call